


wake me up (wake me up inside)

by femspirk (daisyridley)



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Dreams, Dreams vs. Reality, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Link, The Power Of Love, scientific accuracy whom??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 14:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11359353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisyridley/pseuds/femspirk
Summary: Jim and Spock inexplicably find themselves in a shared dream where their only hold on reality is their own mental bond





	wake me up (wake me up inside)

**Author's Note:**

> I guess this is what happens when you mix Star Trek, a couple of Nolan movies, and me being gay

The bridge feels strangely empty.

He roams it with his eyes until he realizes that his Science Officer is not there.

Oh, of course; he’s at the labs.

At lunchtime, he takes the turbolift to the dining room. He meets Bones on his way there, and they chat while they get their food and eat.

The bridge is quiet in the afternoon. Shouldn’t his Science Officer be back?

No, he got delayed. He knew that already.

He dines alone. He tries to read a book before turning off the lights, but he’s too tired to focus. He goes to sleep.

His alarm goes off and he gets up. He brushes his teeth and washes his face. He has breakfast. He gets dressed.

Today is another quiet day. Sulu and Chekov chat lightly in front of him, but everyone else stays silent. He gets bored in these days, when they’re just travelling from one point to another and there’s nothing to do except waiting to arrive. He fidgets with his chair. He rises on his feet. He’d talk to his Science Officer, but he’s not there.

He forgets about it and goes back to his seat. At lunchtime, he eats with Bones. He goes back to the bridge. Goes back to his quarters. Goes to sleep.

His alarm goes off. He gets up. He goes to the bridge. He goes to lunch. He doesn’t see his Science Officer.

Where the hell is he?

He goes back. And back again. And back to sleep and back to the bridge and  _ where the hell is Spock? _

_ Spock. _

He blinks twice. 

He looks around, dazzled.

Sulu and Chekov are playing Battleship. Uhura has her ears on transmissions and her eyes on a Deltan syllabus that she usually keeps under her station. Several officers are running around. He glances at the Science Officer’s station, but it’s still empty.

His Officer is usually there.

Spock.

_ Spock  _ should be there. Spock is always there.

Why did he forget? When did he start referring to him as his Science Officer?

He goes to sickbay.

“Well, look who the cat dragged in,” Bones mumbles when he sees him. “What’s the matter?”

“I think I’m suffering from amnesia.”

“It’s the old age.” Bones’s tone is dismissive, but he’s looking at him sideways under a frown.

“I’m thirty-six,” he replies.

“I thought you knew Captains age quickly. Not as quickly as CMOs, but--”

“Bones,” he interrupts him. The doctor falls silent. “Bones, I’m not forgetting names or dates or things like that. I’m forgetting--”

What was he forgetting again? It had to do with his--

“Spock. I’m forgetting about him.”

“Who?”

“My First Officer.”

“Okay, let’s get you tested.”

They proceed, but there’s nothing wrong with him. He goes back to the bridge.

“Lieutenant Uhura?” he calls after a while. “What’s our Science Officer’s full name?”

“Our Science Officer?” she asks, to be sure she heard well.

“Yes.”

He goes to dinner. He goes to bed.

He wakes up.

His Science Officer still isn’t back. He knows he asked Uhura about him, and he knows she didn’t call him Spock. Yet he knows -- he _thinks_ \-- he should be Spock. And if his memory is fine, then what is happening to him, or to everyone else? He got up one day and started asking for a Spock nobody knows about, one he barely remembers.

But he remembers, damnit. He didn’t make Spock up. They tease each other on the bridge and play chess and save each other’s life, and yes, sometimes Spock is too good to be true, but he is true, and that is frankly one of the most marvelous things about him, and--

“How long until we reach our destination?” the Captain asks. He’s quite impatient to see the black hole.

“About twelve hours, sir, unless we get sidetracked.”

He hums in agreement. He shifts into a more comfortable position in his chair. He glances over at the science station, hoping to catch Spock’s eyes, but--

Spock! He forgot again!

_ Spock, where are you? _ he asks in frustration.

He’s suddenly confused. It’s odd -the emotion does not seem to belong to him.

_ “Jim?” _

He wasn’t expecting an answer to his question.

He knows, at least, that the confusion was not his. Now he only feels relief, and he doesn’t even know to whom it belongs, him or Spock. One thing is sure, now: Spock is there. 

His presence startled him, but didn’t surprise him: he knew about the bond. Spock told him, once, that Vulcans tend to form a mental connection with those closest to them -- it’s basically the Vulcan equivalent of a friendship bracelet.

If friendship bracelets were also communicators.

_ Spock, something’s going on. _

_ “I agree,”  _ is the immediate answer.

_ Meet me in your quarters in five minutes. _

He gets up and turns around in a swirl, and he must be suffering from low pressure, because his sight blurs and darkens at the edges, like in a dream.

He runs to Spock’s room. He needs to see him, to assess the situation, and to be reminded that he’s real, he and his quizzical eyebrows and his light smile.

_ Where are you? _ , he urges him once he’s in.

_ “I am in the middle of my room.” _

They are both puzzled. 

He looks around. He is alone in the room.

_ No, you’re not here. _

_ “I will now move by my bed.” _

_ You’re definitely not by your bed. _

If he was hoping that this meeting would solve everything, he was wrong. The situation just got a thousand times more confusing.

_ Spock?  _

_ “Yes?” _

_ Care to take a good guess on what’s going on? Are we in two parallel universes? _

_ “I am not sure. Certain elements seem to point to that…” _

He sees, in their joint mind, one of Spock’s latest memories: going to sickbay to be tested just like he did, and receiving pretty much the same answers.

_ “But you said something, earlier…”  _

Through the bond, Kirk hears again one of his previous thoughts, barely audible in his stream of consciousness:  _ like in a dream. _

_ “I don’t know how this would be possible, but my best guess, at the moment, is trusting your intuition.” _

_ You trust my intuition, I trust your guesses. So, what we’re getting at is that while our situation looks verosimile, it’s a dream, but we’re conscious enough to communicate with each other. _

_ “Precisely.” _

As always, when Spock tells him this, he beams. And, as always, he feels Spock’s amusement. Sensing someone else’s emotions along your own is strange, but less strange than Jim imagined. It’s not a clash, as if they were talking one over the other, trying to prevail; it’s… well, it’s a meld.

_ So, how do we wake up? _

_ “A pinch, perhaps?” _

He laughs, but it’s worth a try.

_ Nope, I’m still here. _

_ “As I suspected. It won’t be easy.” _

Spock is concerned, and while Jim would like to soothe his worries, he’s alzo squeezing his brains to come up with a solution. In vain: they don’t even really know the problem.

_ Listen, let’s take some time to assess all the data we’ve got so that we can understand what’s going on. _

_ “I’m afraid we don’t have much. We’re in two different places, and each of them is missing either me or you. Our bond still exists.”  _ Spock keeps searching for other information, but can’t come up with anything else.

_ The dream has jump cuts when I mention you. And time doesn’t pass normally. Sometimes I feel like a day lasts less than a minute. Aside from that, everything looks ordinary. _

They both reflect. Spock’s stream of consciousness is so fast that he can barely grasp at any thought, but he still knows what he’s thinking.

Everything looks ordinary. Could this change? Does he have any willpower over the dream? He looks at a stack of books and wills it to fall, but nothing happens.

_ “I doubt that would work. Dreams can rarely be controlled.” _

_ Okay, fair. _

_ “I suggest we part for some time. I will raise my shields, but I will be here if you need me. In the meantime, we can try to gather more information.” _

He nods, then remembers Spock can’t see him, then remembers Spock can sense his agreement. If Spock were here, his lips would twitch.

Suddenly, he’s alone.

Spock is not really gone, though. How many times has Jim stood beside him, knowing he was there without looking at him? This doesn’t feel much different.

He goes back to the bridge. The science station is empty.

If this is a dream, then technically he could do anything. He could tell everyone to take a day off to play a group game, he could call the Admiralty and tell them he’s quitting his job because he fell in love with a Klingon, he could kiss Spock…

Oh. No, he can’t do that.

He’s suddenly very glad that Spock’s shield are up.

It’s time to move on from this and start making useful discoveries.

“Lieutenant Uhura, put me in contact with the science lab. I need to talk to my First Officer.” One last try, just to confirm his suspicion.

“Your First Officer is not available at the moment.”

“Fascinating.”

He grins.

He wonders if this is how it’d feel like if he didn’t have Spock on board. Would he have an absent officer, someone he’s not close to, who doesn’t bicker with him, who doesn’t tease him, who isn’t his friend?

But Spock is there, somehow more present now than ever. If this is a dream in Jim’s mind, then Spock is all over it.

Then he understands.

_ Spock. Spock! _

The barriers fall with a gentle crash.  _ “Yes, Captain?” _

_ I think I know why we’re not in each other’s dream. _

_ “Enlighten me.” _

_ In my dream, there is only one version of me. There’s no reason for  _ another _ me to exist in here, because I’m  _ already _ here, so my mind doesn’t create a double. But I’m not the only one who’s already here. _

_ “I am, too.” _

_ Exactly. My mind only supplies for what’s absent. Both you and I are here already. Same goes for you. _

_ “Yes, it seems logical. Our minds are creating two mirrors of reality, reproducing it in every detail. But they fail to reproduce us, as if we were already reflected in the mirror, with no need for further intervention.” _

_ Wonderful metaphor, Mr. Spock. _

He really is quite surprised at the new perspective Spock introduced. He pictures the two of them standing in front of a mirror, real on one side, reflected on the other. The mirror recreates reality, but doesn’t recreate their reflections because there’s no need to.

It is weird. Their thoughts are now the only thing that’s real.

_ “We must still understand how we got into this situation, and how to get out.” _

_ Yes, about that. I think we should jump into the black hole. _

Jim’s idea is simple. If their minds make up the dream by supplying for what’s lacking with fake copies, they should go in a place where there’s nothing. If nothing is missing, maybe they’ll be able to stop dreaming.

Spock suggests to reflect on it until they actually get to the black hole. The possibilities of success are thin, and they may come up with something better in the meantime. But Jim knows that Spock is ready to follow through with this.

 

***

 

“We came here as soon as we could. How are they?”

He crosses his arms. “Their conditions are stable, but I can’t get them to wake up. Do you have the report?”

She gives it to him. “It seems like nobody was planning to wake them up.”

“That explains why there’s no wake up feature in this goddamn machine.”

She frowns. “Then what do we do, Doctor?”

“We thank the landing party for saving their asses and wait for them to wake up on their own; that’s what we do.”

 

***

 

While they wait, they explore.

They have never used the bond before, and they both find themselves eager to discover it.

They try silly things, like picturing an object for the other to guess (it doesn’t work). They try passing over book plots (they convene it’s better to read them firsthand). It turns out that having a song stuck in your head means you both start singing a duet. If Jim consciously thinks about touching Spock’s arm, he feels like he really were (thankfully, this doesn’t work with accidental mental images).

Sometimes, he asks Spock for a moment of privacy. He hopes there’ll be a day when this won’t be necessary -- when he’ll be so comfortable he won’t need to censor anything, won’t need any breaks -- but until that day, this arrangement suits him fine.

That night, he suggests they play chess.

_ “That is extremely illogical.” _

_ Come on, Mr. Spock, humor me. Just a try. _

They both set up a board in their quarters, and they try to make it work. It’s a mess, of course, since plotting any kind of strategy is absolutely useless when your opponent can read your mind; they can’t do anything but think one move at the time and curse under their breath when they accidentally plan a long game, giving it away. At one point, Spock actually sighs in frustration and Jim can’t restrain a laugh.

_ “Captain, this is disastrous.” _

It really is.  _ You’re just saying that because I’m winning. _

_ “I am certainly not.” _

What a bluff.  _ Let’s make a deal. _

_ “What kind of deal?” _

_ When we get back, we never play chess like this again. I’d rather beat you properly. _

Spock’s thought answer is covered by a rush of emotions -- outrage, frustration, embarrassment, amusement. A button was clearly pushed here, but Jim knows Spock would never be mad; after all, they both know who between the two is the creative strategist, and Spock would never diminish Jim’s strengths. Otherwise they wouldn’t be such a good team.

“Bridge to Captain.”

He gets up. 

“Kirk here.”

“Captain, we are approaching the black hole.”

“Coming now. Kirk out.”

When he shows up on the bridge, the ship is already out of warp. The black hole is a blinding light ahead of them.

The science station is empty.

He sits on his chair, orders to proceed steadily.

_ Are you still in with the plan? _

_ “Are you?” _

_ We haven’t come up with a better alternative. _

_ “The alternative is to do nothing.” _

He hadn’t thought of that. Yes, they could do nothing. And then what? Go on with this life, knowing it’s a lie? The black hole may be their only chance to get out of the dream.

_ Do you believe we’re going insane, Spock?  _

_ “No. I… I do not believe I could have simply made you up. We must get to the reality where we are together.” _

He’s right. 

_ Then we proceed. _

_ “Yes. We proceed.” _

_ We really are going where no one has gone before. _

In his head, Spock smiles.

_ We were heading to a black hole in real life, too, weren’t we? _

_ “I believe so, yes.” _

They both recall receiving a distress signal from a planet on their way, but nothing after that.

_ “Captain, we must go now.” _

_ Of course. On my way. _

He leaves the bridge with a vague excuse and doesn’t tell anyone where he’s going. Dream or not, they’d try to stop him. Spock, on the other side, is doing the same.

Thankfully, one of the benefits of being a Captain is that he has unrestricted access to the entire spaceship, which is especially useful when a Captain is trying to steal a shuttle.

Nobody even knows he’s in the docks; he hasn’t broken in and he won’t break out. As long as everything’s in order, no alarm will go off while he can still be stopped.

He opens the doors by inserting a simple code and flies out of the Enterprise. It’s almost too easy.

Of course, as soon as he’s out, he receives a communication request.

“Kirk here. Don’t fire at me. I’m headed toward the black hole.”

He closes all communications before Uhura can even answer.

In a while, he realizes, he won’t even need engines anymore; as soon as he gets into the black hole’s gravitational pull, it will just be a matter of diving right into the darkness.

_ It’s been a hell of a day, hasn’t it? _

_ “Indeed.” _

_ I’ll be glad to spend time with you again. And everyone else, of course. _

_ “Indeed.” _

_ I think the most unrealistic part of this dream was Bones not knowing who you were. _

_ “Doctor McCoy would certainly be happy to forget me.” _

_ He’ll want to come and live in my dream when he finds out. _

They both feel elated, which is probably just a way to balance out their nervousness.

_ What do you think is going to happen? _

_ “I do not know. Nobody has ever done this before, after all.” _

_ But what do you think? _

_ “In the best possible scenario, we will simply pass out and wake up.” _

_ What if we wake up in captivity? _

_ “I trust that a rescue mission may have saved us, by now.” _

_ I sure hope so. _

As Spock predicted, he soon blacks out.

When he opens his eyes, he can’t see anything. Nor does his body seem to be touching anything. It’s not, in fact, receiving any inputs from the outside. No sound. No sight. No smell. Nothing.

_ “Jim, are you there?” _

They’re scared.

_ Yes, but I’m not sure where “here” is. _

_ “I believe we are inside the black hole.” _

_ Alive. _

_ “Presumably.” _

_ It is a dream, then. _

A sense of dread fills them.

_ How are we going to get out of this? _

_ “I do not know.” _

_ But it doesn’t make sense. We should be nothing at this point - our minds shouldn’t have anything to make up. Where did we-- _

Realization hits them.

_ “We miscalculated.” _

_ Terribly. _

_ “Our minds still created the black hole.” _

They would cry, if they had voice.

They are stuck.

_ How did I not-- _

_ “I should have thought of it. It was the next logical step.” _

_ I had the idea. You just trusted me. _

_ “I did not follow you blindly.” _

_ I’m sorry, Spock. _

_ “You have nothing to be sorry for. We tried. Neither of us would have rather lived the lie.” _

_ And look at where that left us. _

They just wanted to go home.

They think of what could have been.

They think of what will be, if they don’t wake up. They will only know darkness and their minds for the rest of their existence. They will never see their friends again, their families, the Enterprise, the stars. Each other.

_ I wanted to have so much more with you. _

_ “I am the only one you’re not missing.” _

Somehow, it’s funny.

_ I wanted to have more time in real life with you. You know, to do things. Play chess. Seek out new planets. Be friends. Be whatever you’d want us to be, actually. _

_ “Then I, too, wish we had more.” _

They don’t know if it’s the situation that makes them more open to each other, or simply the fact that they can’t properly filter their thoughts, not know that thoughts are the only thing they have left. But they are relieved. Finally they know for certain how much they mean to the other.

They used to think they’d be a hundred years old and still love each other.

_ I’m sorry, I-- I didn’t mean to share that. Just ignore it. _

They are surprised.

_ “I do not believe that came only from you, Jim.” _

_ You mean… we just had the same thought? _

_ “No, we simply have the same feelings.” _

_ You love me. _

_ “I cannot fathom a time when I will not.” _

They are happy.

Through the bond, he touches Spock’s wrist.

_ Can I? _

_ “Yes.” _

He slides his fingers between Spock’s, and a shiver runs between them.

Then this is how it feels, a kiss.

And it only seems logical to caress each other’s face, and to search for each other's mouth, hesitant, longing.

They kiss, and for a moment there is nothing in the universe but them.

Light floods under Kirk’s eyelids. 

He blinks. He’s staring at a ceiling. He recognizes is as sickbay -- he’s seen it plenty of times.

He jerks upwards.

Someone is calling the doctor.

He keeps blinking, disoriented now that he got up. In a matter of seconds, Bones is at his side.

“The sleeping beauties finally woke up. Kissed your prince?”

He grins. “In a sense.”

Bones frowns in disbelief. “Alright, let’s run a check, and then you’ll tell us what the hell happened.”

“Where’s Spock?”

With an eyeroll, Bones moves to a side, revealing Spock in the next bed.

They both jump up at the sight, and run into each other for real.

When they part, Jim leaves his hands on Spock’s forearms.

“You alright?”

“Yes, now that I can see you.”

Bones watches in bewilderment as they take each other’s hand. “I don’t want to know, but God help me, I want to know.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> hello, thank you for reading this, please validate me by leaving a comment! also shoutout to @lieutenant-sapphic on tumblr for beta-ing this and leaving her reactions along the way


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